What to Say to a Child Who Just Lost a Parent

Talking to a child about the death of their parent is one of the situations where adults feel most at a loss. There's the fear of saying the wrong thing, of making it worse, of not having the right words for something this large. And underneath that fear is often the wish that someone else would do it, that the child somehow already knows and doesn't need you to say anything, or that this could be handled gently enough that it wouldn't land the way it inevitably will.

None of those things are true. The child knows something is wrong. What they need is an adult who will tell them the truth in a way they can bear.

Tell them clearly and honestly

Don't use euphemisms. "Passed away," "gone to sleep," "went to a better place," and "we lost her" are all confusing to children, especially young ones who take language literally. "Your dad died" is the correct thing to say. It is hard to say. Say it anyway. Children who are given clear language process it better over time than children who are given vague language that they spend years trying to make sense of.

You can be gentle while being clear. "I have something really sad to tell you. Your mom died. That means her body stopped working and she won't be coming back. I'm so sorry." That's enough for a young child. It's honest, it's clear, and it doesn't leave them to fill in the gaps with something worse than the truth.

Let them respond however they respond

Children grieve differently than adults. A child might cry intensely and then ask what's for dinner. A child might not cry at all. A child might ask questions that seem strange — "Who will make my lunch?" — and these questions are real and valid and worth answering directly. The practicalities are how children try to find a foothold when the ground shifts underneath them.

Don't tell them how to feel. Don't tell them to be strong. Don't tell them their parent would want them to be happy. Let them feel what they feel, and make it clear that all of it is okay.

Answer questions honestly at their level

Children ask direct questions. "Did it hurt?" "Where is she now?" "Is it going to happen to you?" Answer them honestly and at the level of the child's age and understanding. "I don't think it hurt, it happened very quickly" is honest. "I don't know exactly where she is, but I know she loved you very much and she'll always be a part of you" is also honest. You don't have to have all the answers. "I don't know" is an acceptable answer to a child.

What children need most in the aftermath of losing a parent is to know that they are going to be taken care of, that their daily life will continue, and that the people who remain love them. Tell them these things. Repeat them. Make sure they know they're not alone in this even if the one person they most needed is gone.

Over time

Children's grief moves in waves and resurfaces at developmental stages — when they graduate, when they get married, when they have their own children. The parent will be missed again and again throughout their life. Being someone who speaks the parent's name, who shares memories, who keeps the person present in language, is a gift to a child that compounds over time.

They lost a parent. They didn't lose the people who loved both of them. Make sure they know that, and keep making sure, for as long as they need to hear it.