How to Talk to a Parent About Their Drinking

Talking to a parent about their drinking is harder than talking to a friend about theirs, because the power dynamic is reversed from what it was for most of your life, because the love is more complicated, and because the history of the drinking is likely longer than you've been alive. You've probably been accommodating it for years. Finding the moment to say something directly is one of the harder things an adult child can do.

Be honest with yourself about what you're trying to accomplish

You cannot make your parent stop drinking. That's a decision they have to make from inside themselves, and no conversation from outside can produce it. What a conversation can do is name what you've been not naming, tell them what the drinking has cost the relationship, and make clear that you're not going to keep pretending it isn't there. That's worth doing even if it doesn't produce immediate change.

Choose a calm moment

Don't have this conversation when your parent has been drinking. Don't have it in the aftermath of an incident when both of you are activated. Choose a time when they're sober, when there's privacy, when you're not rushed, and when you can say what you need to say without the conversation becoming an emergency.

"I want to talk to you about something that's been on my mind for a long time. Can we find a time this week?" is a low-pressure way to set it up without ambushing them.

What to say

Lead with the relationship, not with the drinking. "I love you and I'm worried about you" is a truer opening than "you drink too much." Then be specific about what you've observed and what it's done — to their health, to your relationship, to the family. Not as an attack, but as an honest account of what's real.

"When you drink, things happen that hurt our relationship and worry me about your health. I've been not saying this for a long time, and I can't keep not saying it." That's honest and it puts on record that you see what's happening, that the silence was a choice and you're choosing differently now.

Be prepared for the response

Denial, minimization, anger, turning it around on you — these are the common responses from someone who isn't ready to hear what you're saying. None of them mean you were wrong to say it. They mean the person isn't ready yet. You can hold your ground without making it a fight: "I hear you. I still needed to say this."

You said the thing. That matters even if nothing changes immediately. It changes the landscape of what's been said between you, and sometimes that's the thing that makes a difference later, when the person is finally ready to hear it.